Big Girls Don't Cry

I know I don't explain much of what's going on through said events, but I'd like to share something miraculous that occurred to me recently:

On Wednesday night, I cried for the first time in two months, I believe. It might be less, and even then, two months of not crying doesn't seem much; but seeing how certain events are falling into place, for me, that's an eternity of not spilling a tear.

When I cry, I feel ugly, weak, and pathetic. And being the emotional wreck that I am, crying tends to happen every night, no matter what the circumstance is. Seeing that, I forced myself not to cry anymore, no matter how insane I would become. I had strong urges to just break down and flood the world with salty tears, but I would not allow myself to do so. In a sense, I thought that would make me stronger and toughen me up. My mindset was clear: hold the sobs back, hide any signs of weakness, and I will not be pitied, I will not break. I placed a brick wall around me, and dared not to let anyone in.

As a result, however, I became cold, harsh, bitter. As the crying ceased, another feeling crawled in: hatred. I've had my fair share of hate during the years, but I can't remember the last time I felt like this, when I just resorted to breaking everything around me just to feel good, when I snapped at others and pushed them down to feel satisfaction. I wanted to see everyone hurt, betrayed, empty. Instead of becoming stronger, I became more fragile, and at one point, I felt like I was nothing but a torn rag doll wanting revenge on the world. I let myself fall, and didn't bother to pick myself up.

Wednesday night, however, there was something that washed over me that changed all that; I can't describe the feeling. I was surrounded by others that I have abandoned, and yet they had me in their embrace, they kept me safe from the unknown dangers of the world in that moment. As much as I wanted to pull away, I couldn't.
Then this eccentric emotion swept me away. I guess you would call it happiness, but it felt more than that. It was as if I was being cleansed of every impurity, of all the sins I have committed. I felt a presence in me that was allowing me to let go of all the hate, all the fear. It might have lasted a few seconds, a couple of minutes, or even more than that. But that moment was sacred, and no one could take it from me.

Before I knew it, streams of tears were gliding off my face. I felt unworthy of this, that I didn't deserve to be feeling this massive weight lift off my shoulders. But there I was, continued to be graced in this wave of emotion that made my knees buckle. There was a voice in my head whispering comforting words to me, saying that it was alright to let go, that it was alright to let myself fall in its arms - and so I did.

Perhaps this is too soon to say, but I believe what happened Wednesday night will impact me for the rest of my life. I was given a link to look forward to; and not to look back. I'm not made out of steel, and I don't have to be.







Ennbad